Hello, dear friends.
After a period of quiet reflection and much-needed time away, I’m gently re-entering the blogging space today to share a significant life update. It feels both challenging and essential to connect with you all once more, especially after the profound experiences of the past several weeks.
A Heartfelt Thank You: Remembering Holli and Your Incredible Support
This update is particularly difficult to articulate, as it centers around the loss of my cherished friend, Holli. Many of you first encountered her inspiring spirit through a post I shared a couple of months ago. The outpouring of love and support in response to that piece was truly overwhelming, and I cannot overstate the immense comfort your comments, emails, and private messages brought to Holli during what became the most agonizing and arduous weeks of her life.
She was deeply moved and truly inspired by your collective kindness. As she read your heartfelt words – or had them read to her – she often shed tears, realizing the profound impact her life and example had on others, potentially even touching and transforming lives in meaningful ways. Your empathy and solidarity provided a much-needed buoy for her spirit.
Grief’s Unfolding Journey: Honoring Holli’s Memory
A few weeks ago, Holli concluded her earthly battle with terminal cancer. Those of us who knew and loved her are now acutely feeling the immense weight of her loss. This sorrow is, of course, most keenly felt by her devoted husband, her six children, and her close extended family members. My heart continues to break as I witness this sweet family navigate the painful process of piecing together a life without their beautiful Holli, whose absence leaves an irreplaceable void.
Grief is indeed a complex and enigmatic phenomenon. It arrives uninvited, settling deep within the heart, asserting its presence without permission. It possesses the power to render one breathless and numb in one moment, only to evoke laughter and tears in the very next. Its waves are unpredictable, and its depth immeasurable.
Over the past week or so, I’ve found myself, perhaps foolishly, attempting to diminish the validity of my own grief and sorrow. I would tell myself, “You weren’t family; you were just a friend. Perhaps you should simply ‘suck it up’ a bit, and get on with life?” Yet, I am learning, cautiously but surely, that grief does not operate on a linear spectrum or a competitive scale. One person’s grief is no less substantial, no less valid, and no less worthy of acknowledgement than another’s. It simply manifests differently. Every individual is undeniably entitled to their own unique experience of loss, regardless of the relationship shared.
Having spent nearly every day in Holli’s home and by her side for the last 21 months, our bond transcended mere friendship; I truly feel as though I’ve lost a sister. The pain is raw and profound. I ache for my personal loss, for the gaping hole she has left in my life. My heart also aches for Holli’s heartbroken family, witnessing their profound sorrow. And I hurt for the sheer injustice and unfairness of life, for the brevity of her time. This pain, I realize, is something I simply cannot help but feel.
Navigating Life’s Demands Amidst Deep Sorrow
For the past several months, Holli’s needs, her eventual passing, and her funeral – along with all the bittersweet and challenging aspects of this entire process – have emotionally, physically, and mentally occupied a significant portion of my life’s landscape. Yet, life, in its relentless rhythm, continues to present its daily demands, seemingly oblivious to the depths of personal grief. It’s a strange and often jarring juxtaposition to navigate profound loss while simultaneously tending to the seemingly mundane necessities of everyday existence.
You understand, don’t you? It’s like helping a son, who I steadfastly refuse to believe is old enough, prepare for his very first prom. A milestone moment that carries its own mix of joy and bittersweet realization about the passage of time.
Or dealing with mischievous pigs, who, with an audacious disregard for fences, escape their confines and peer in at us from the back windows, adding an unexpected touch of rural chaos to our days.
It’s about finding small, meaningful ways to honor a friend’s memory, such as making Nanaimo bars with a couple of Holli’s sweet nieces the day after her funeral. Holli was born and raised in Canada, and her husband’s family had never experienced the deliciousness of this Canadian treat. So, in a moment of shared grief and culinary tribute, we baked them in Holli’s honor, a tangible connection to her heritage and spirit.
It means going through the motions of cherished Easter traditions, finding moments of simple joy, like watching my buddy “T” – Holli’s youngest son – become particularly excited to dye hard-boiled eggs, a small beacon of normalcy and childhood wonder amidst profound sadness.
And yes, it involves mundane tasks like fixing garbage disposals, even if it means doing it in a shirt and tie between church meetings, because those five minutes are the only window of opportunity available in a packed day.
It’s also about entertaining kids with spring break diversions, even when the teenagers (as teenagers often do) wanted nothing to do with the “exciting” rides at the arcade, reminding us of the evolving dynamics of family life and varying interests.
In essence, it’s about generally just dealing with the other mundane and not-so-mundane details of a busy, ordinary life, all while the world, both near and far, often feels as though it’s teetering on the brink of falling apart. This constant interplay between personal sorrow and persistent daily demands shapes a unique and challenging period of personal resilience.
Personal Transformation and the Call of Authentic Connection
Honestly, I don’t feel like the same person I was even a year ago, or even just a few months past. This profound experience has necessitated a deep pause in many aspects of my life, prompting me to critically re-evaluate and figure out how I genuinely want to move forward. And here’s a little spoiler alert: I don’t miss social media at all. The constant scroll and curated perfection lost its appeal. But what I DO miss, intensely, is this blogging space and the genuine, meaningful connection I share with all of you here.
To those of you who reached out, wondering and worried if I was alright during the long period of silence here and on Instagram – thank you. Your concern and thoughtful inquiries were unexpected and deeply touching. I honestly couldn’t believe any of you would give my absence a second thought, let alone take the time to comment or email me about it. Your concern, your prayers, and your truly thoughtful words have been a gentle, soothing balm to my aching heart. It means more to me than I can possibly express in words right now, and I sincerely apologize for not having yet responded to every single message.
Honoring Holli’s Spirit: Getting Back to Life and Recipes
If you were fortunate enough to know spunky, sassy Holli in person, you would instantly understand that she’d be hollering at me right now to “get on with life!” and to “carry on!” She’d undoubtedly add, “and for the love, give the people the dang recipes they want, Mel!” (a direct, and much-missed, quote from Holli herself, which always made me laugh). And so, in her vibrant spirit, I will be getting back to it, little by little, step by gradual step.
I am in the process of picking up the stray pieces of my own life that I’ve, understandably, let fall by the wayside over the past few weeks and months. All of it needs to be carefully put back together, perhaps not in the exact same order, but in a way that feels authentic and manageable. Some areas, particularly those involving my children and other personal aspects, will undoubtedly require a bit more time, patience, and tender loving care than others.
Holli’s Enduring Wisdom: “God Is Always in the Details”
I learned an immeasurable amount from Holli, but one profound lesson stands out above all: God is always, always in the details. She would repeat this truth over and over, even in the midst of her most intense pain and deepest distress. Her unwavering faith in this principle was a testament to her spirit. I have witnessed the undeniable evidence of this wisdom more times than I can count over the last couple of years, in both the grand and the seemingly insignificant moments of life. This belief provided her, and consequently me, with immense comfort and perspective. One instance that particularly resonates, though I’ll save the full narrative for another day (as this post is already growing quite long), is related to this bagel bread. It’s a truly incredible story of divine providence and small miracles.
The Promise of Sunday: A Message of Hope and Resilience
During my short remarks at Holli’s funeral, I shared a message and a quote that deeply resonated with me, and I feel compelled to share it with you here, as well. It beautifully encapsulates the essence of who Holli was and the enduring hope she embodied. She was continually focused on service to others and on her Savior, Jesus Christ. Despite the immense trials and tribulations she faced, she maintained a tremendous, unshakeable hope in good things yet to come.
As many of you know, Holli passed away on Good Friday. And just as Christ’s friends and family spent days mourning and weeping after his death, they soon learned…that Sunday would come. The crushing sadness of that Friday did not endure. The profound despair did not linger, because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death, bringing with Him the promise of eternal life and renewed hope.
As the revered Joseph B. Wirthlin so eloquently put it: “Each of us will inevitably have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in countless pieces. We all will experience those broken, bewildering times when it feels as if we can never be put together again, when healing seems impossible. We all will have our Fridays, moments of profound sorrow and loss. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the deepest darkness of our sorrow, amidst our most difficult trials, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter the depths of our grief, Sunday will come. This promise is one of ultimate comfort and eternal hope.”
We love you, Holli. Our hearts and our lives will truly never be the same after knowing you. We are forever changed by your unwavering dedication to the Lord, as we witnessed firsthand how truly and completely you consistently loved and ministered to others. Your example of selfless service and profound faith continues to inspire. I have no doubt that’s exactly what you are doing right now, radiating love and light wherever you are. I testify that Jesus Christ knows Holli personally. He knows each of us, intimately. He loves us unconditionally. And He will indeed carry us through all the hard and beautiful days that lie ahead, offering strength and solace every step of the way.
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A Shared Journey: Thank You for Being Here
Lastly, and with profound sincerity, thank YOU for simply being here. Thank you for your incredible patience with me as I have navigated a particularly difficult and transformative time in my life. And thank you for creating this safe, understanding space where I feel comfortable sharing a piece of my soul, even though this platform is, at its heart, “just” a food blog. It has become so much more.
It is genuinely an honor to share this digital space with each of you. I know, without a doubt, that we all face difficult, challenging, and often messy chapters in our lives. The beauty of this community is the realization that you are not alone in your struggles. I am not alone. We are all truly in this together, journeying through life’s complexities side by side. I have been immensely strengthened by your inherent goodness, your unwavering kindness, your vulnerability in sharing your own stories, and your virtual generosity in thoughts and encouraging words. I love your guts so very, very much, and I deeply appreciate the connection we share.
I’ll be back next week, re-energized and ready to share some exciting new recipes that have been patiently waiting for months for their chance in the spotlight. Until then, take care, dear friends. XOXO